Foot By Foot

Two nights ago I was sitting next to my Mom as she talked about improving ourselves, learning and growing constantly. She talked about sometimes it's really overwhelming but that you just have to pick one thing and work on it, then pick another and work on that. She recounted to me a story about when Mike and his family, along with Mom, moved into their brand new home. There was so much work to be done on the outside landscape it was overwhelming. Mom would tell Mike to just pick a one foot area and work on that... Eventually foot by foot the yard would become beautiful. If you've ever seen Mike's yard, you know that it is beautiful.

Grandma with her Granddaughters. They LOVE being together

Hearing my Mom tell that to me the other night reminded me of a conversation I had with a complete stranger in the Phoenix airport while I sat waiting for my flight to Salt Lake to visit with my Mom. I was sitting at one of those charging stations, charging my phone while reading a book. A man approached and sat to my left and said, "You don't see a real book with pages very often these days. What are you reading?" I closed the book, preferring conversation with people over reading anyways, and showed him the cover with the title, The Magic of Thinking Big by David J. Schwartz. This stranger and I talked for 30 minutes about the book and the idea behind it: That the size of your success is determined by the size of your belief. Your brain and thoughts are often the biggest obstacles in our way to becoming who we can become. On the reverse side, you can use your thoughts to move past those obstacles.

This stranger asked me if I knew where I got this notion in my head that I can always choose to improve and become better and be successful. Without hesitation I said, "My Mom. She's always reading books and learning and growing. From the time I can remember she was always striving to improve her life, the life of her kids and the lives of those she came in contact with. In fact, last time I was home with her she showed me a new planner she bought and in the front of it there was a whole section on thinking through your goals and desires. She said to me, 'You probably think it's silly that I'm doing this since I'm dying.' but I expect nothing less from her. That's the example she set for me- a healthy striving for improving, for becoming a better person, for learning, for changing, for becoming who we were meant to become."

The man quickly reminded me of something I've always known... I'm really blessed to have that example in my life. I'm blessed to know that I just need to work "foot by foot" on myself and I'll always be the best I can be. What I love about my Mom's example is that I've never felt like if I wasn't perfect Now! in whatever aspect of my life I was working on than I wasn't beautiful. I've always seen from her that the beauty is there already, the work helps you see it more. I love you Mom!

taking the oxygen tank to the porch

UPDATE on Mom: It's been awhile since we updated everyone. I am happy to report we are 2 1/2 months past the six month time frame the doctor gave us when we received the official diagnosis. This 4th of July weekend marks the year mark that Mom took herself to the emergency room from severe pain and left being told to contact her oncologist. Mom has been in severe pain because of this cancer for over a year now.

Mom's ability to breathe continuously declines. She is now not only on oxygen at night, or right after she exerts some energy... but it's pretty much constant. This weekend while I was home I helped her to figure out and feel confident using her portable oxygen tanks. If she plans to be out of her room for more than 10 or so minutes she now tows her tank along with her. She is draining her lung at least once a day, sometimes twice to relieve pressure pain and increase her ability to breathe.

preparing to drain her lung

Mom also suffers with really bad stomach pain and nausea. One theory is that the tumors leak calcium and since they are growing perhaps too much calcium is being circulated in her body causing the upset stomach. We still have no definite cause.  For a long time all she was eating was ritz crackers. We've switched her over to alkaline water plus she's developed a morning routine to go on the offensive against the nausea which seems to be working wonders and Mom is eating a larger selection of food.

I'm tankful for everyday we have with Mom. How much time we have left together is unknown. It's a roller coaster of emotions as I know that if  I'm still getting to spend time with her it means she is still enduring so much pain and anguish. I hate that part.

Home is Where Your Mom is

We moved a lot growing up. And while the zip codes and addresses changed there were some constants that my parents put in place. One of those constants in my life is my Mom; who she was, is and is consistently trying to become. While my Mom may be slowly losing some of her physical and mental abilities, when you walk into her home, I still feel that constant... the epitome of who she is.

Scriptures, and books about our Savior and His doctrine piled on her nightstand. Pictures of her kids, grand kids and my Dad in every direction. A gallery of her grand children's art adorning her walls along side her own artistic quilting and hand stitch work. Fresh flowers and plants sprinkled here and there. A day planner sitting on her bed highlights the sense of order in which she brings to every space or sphere of influence. Sitting close by is the most recent book on whatever she wanted to learn about next. Speakers connected to her phone to play the music that fits the mood. A cutting table and sewing machine sitting in their rightful place. Stacks of fabric and patterns to dream about possibility in.

This is my Mom. This is home. This is the place I long to be that very few places compare to. She is a woman of great faith, faith that has moved mountains in her life and in mine. She is a woman of family, family that stands the test of time. She is a woman of creation, creation that builds others and brings beauty to seemingly ordinary spaces. She is a woman of learning, learning that empowers. She is a woman of music, music that transforms moods. She is a woman of love. To know my Mom is to know love. And in that love is home.

Update on Mom: Mom is slowing loosing strength and stamina. Because of this, Mom sleeps and takes rests a lot. She drains her lung every other day now, and that brings some relief to the constant pain and discomfort she feels. About a month ago a doctor from the hospice company came out to evaluate her. He could feel the tumors that are growing in her ribs on her back. Those tumors have cause severe pain. Mom loves to sit and talk with us, and visitors, she just has a hard time coming up with the words she is thinking of. She often deals with dizzy spells and an upset stomach. It's heartbreaking to watch and I can't even begin to image how this feels to Mom. We cry a lot together.

Please hold a place for her in your prayers. I believe in prayer. I learned that from my Mom.

Precious Time

 Over the past six months I've spent a lot of time at the airport, in order to have precious time with my Mom.  I'm tired of flying, but I'm so glad to have this time with my Mom.  We spend a lot of time sitting and sleeping, which is the best way to spend time with her.  We watch our British mystery and crime shows and just hold hands.

 One of the best parts of my visits is watching my youngest niece interact with my mom.  Its a rare day when  Sienna doesn't come in to visit (watch shows on HER kindle).  They have so much fun together.  Telling stories and hanging out with Sienna's favorite Pink Monkey Man. I even had to get my own Monkey Man - Purple Monkey man so I had something to contribute.  

It's hard knowing that Sienna will only remember what we tell her about the time she spent with her grandma.  But this is such precious time for her and my mom. 

Be the Good

This Christmas Mom gave each of her children the sign pictured above. She explained that with all that is going on in this world, we not only need to believe there is still good, we need to BE the good in the world. This is not a new message she suddenly decided to start teaching us.  Throughout my entire life I have watched closely the example, in words and deeds, Mom has set for me.  She IS the good in this world.

During some reading this week I came across a talk given in October 2013 by Elder D. Todd Christofferson. In his remarks he said,

"A woman's moral influence is nowhere more powerfully felt or more beneficially employed than in the home."

My Mom took the responsibility of being a mother seriously. She did all in her power to teach each of her children correct and true principles to base their own life decisions on.

"In all events, a mother can exert an influence unequaled by any other person in any other relationship. By the power of her example and teaching, her sons learn to respect womanhood and to incorporate discipline and high moral standards in their own lives. Her daughters learn to cultivate their own virtue and stand up for what is right, again and again, however unpopular. A mother's love and high expectations lead her children to act responsibly without excuses, to be serious about education and personal development, and to make ongoing contributions to the well-being of all around them."

I don't have to think hard to remember examples of my Mom showing by word and deed to be serious about my own education and personal development.  To this day Mom seeks out opportunities to learn. She gave up her own collage education to be home with us.  Perhaps that is the greatest sacrifice one who LOVES learning could give in order to watch over the education and personal development of her children. To me as her daughter, going to college was a non-negotiable. She is constantly reading from authors of all kinds and sharing her thoughts, ideas and beliefs with me and my other siblings. I have the same burning desire to learn and improve.

Mom wasn't just a Mom to us.  She became the Mom to my friends and sibling's friends.  I remember once in high school a friend of mine and my brothers showed up at the front door.  I informed him that my brothers were not home, He said, "That's okay. Is your Mom home? I came to see her."  Recently that same friend wrote me a note and part of it said, "I wanted you to tell her thank you for being such a bad-ass. I still think of your family often. Your Bros and mom are all a huge part of my past. She's definitely influenced the way I parent." By just being the person she is Mom made contributions to the well-being of all around her. I'm sure you have a story or instance where my Mom has made a contribution to your well-being. If you do, we'd love to read about them in the comments. These stories will help us remind ourselves and her grandchildren who Mom is.

This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how my Mom has influenced my life and the person I am.  When I read those passages I quoted above, a greater depth of love and gratitude just filled my heart.  I hope each day that through my words and actions I can honor her and the values she instilled in me. I think that is the only I can carry her legacy forward.

Update on Mom: Mom continues to live what has become a "normal" day for us and is still pretty much independent. About a week and a half ago Mom's pain level dramatically increased and she was out for a number of days.  That pain has only slightly decreased which means the level of pain medication Mom is taking has increased.  She continues to participate in our lives as much as possible. Last Saturday she was most happy to be able to go watch her oldest grandson, Lincoln, play in his final basketball game of the season.  She is so proud of him and the young man he is.  Later that day she also got to watch another grandson, Crew, play in his basketball game.  She said it was so great to watch him out there having so much fun playing.  After very active days like that, Mom has to recover.  Her recovery times are increasing.  We are so very grateful that we still have her with us. That she gets to enjoy her family that she so tirelessly cares for.

When You've Got a Little Attitude

For Christmas in 1996 - 20 years ago - mom gave me this wall hanging for Christmas.  Every day for the last 20 years this has hung somewhere in my house... usually my bedroom, but sometimes somewhere else.

She probably knew I had a massive attitude (j/k mom) and needed a daily reminder about how to combat this massive attitude of mine.  ;)

For years I have kept a (near) daily gratitude journal.  Something I picked up from my mom.  It has changed my life.  Every day I write down a list of 5 things I'm grateful for.  When I can't seem to find anything I'm grateful for - or am having a pity party for myself - I list things until I start to feel grateful.  And when I feel grateful, when I recognize the amazing blessings I have, my attitude goes away.

  Over the years, as I reflected on my journal, I noticed just how much my mom appears in these entries.  Over and over again, she shows up, consistently helping me and guiding me.  Here are a few from over the past several years.  In 2014, she even showed up twice on the same list!!

Being grateful for the little things... cookies, humidifiers, choir practice, desires for change, people in my life, even the fish in my life has done amazing things for me.  It helps me to stay grounded. It helps me


Another great thing that has helped me in moments of difficulty as sending thank you cards.  Here is a picture of some of the favorites I have ready to send at any moment.  I love thank you cards.  I love receiving them and I love sending them.  I love looking for reasons to send them  I love acknowledging what people have done for me and the amazing ways they contribute to my life.

My mom is one of those amazing people that has contributed to my life.  I don't know how to find the words to express my gratitude for the way she has shaped me, helped me and supported me.  I don't think there are any words.  I just try to live my life by the lessons she has taught me.  So when I've got a little attitude - I try a little gratitude!  And so far - it has worked every time.

We had a great holiday season with mom.  It was definitely a season of extremes.  Some amazing, beautiful moments that will forever light my life, and some difficult, painful moments for both mom and those of us watching.  Life is like that, isn't it?  Amazing, beautiful, difficult, and painful all at the same time.  Sometimes, I think we have a hard time holding both of those seemingly contradicting feelings at the same time.  Holding them together and accepting them as part of journey.  We sometimes believe it has to be one or the other.  Something or someone is either all great or all terrible.  We either love or hate it.  That simply isn't true.  Grief has taught me that lesson and I will be forever grateful for it.  Events and people are BOTH good and bad, beautiful and difficult, amazing and painful ALL AT THE SAME TIME.  I can enjoy the good, beautiful and amazing and work through the bad, difficult and painful, and not let one distract from or cast shadow on the other.

Just like having an attitude and gratitude all at the same time.

You Can Endure Anything When You Know It's Temporary

In January of 2003 I made my first official move after college to California with a friend. I had a job lined up that would start the first of March and hers started right away. That left me working a temporary job, sitting in front of a computer 8 hours a day in a warehouse. I was miserable. I called my Mom often to tell her I just could do it any more and she'd talk me off the "quit Your Job" ledge. Finally one day, probably exasperated by my complaining and lack of gratitude, yet as always, being my biggest cheerleader said, "You can endure anything when you know it's temporary!" That has been my mantra many times in my life when things haven't turned out the way I wanted.  I say it to myself (often) when I'm working out or hiking carrying two backpacks. To me the saying is full of hope, optimism, strength and confidence.

When I moved home at the beginning of September I would spend every evening with my Mom. We'd sit in her bed after the grandkids had gone to sleep and watch a show together (or a few). I'd leave around 10 or 10:30 (well past my normal bed time). Mom would walk me out to the steps of the front porch; after a hug and kiss goodnight I'd walk to my car, start it up, pull a u-turn and stop to wave goodbye to my Mom.  She would patiently wait every night and wave, and wave, and wave goodbye as I drove away.  I distinctly remember one night saying out loud to myself, "One day she won't be able to do that."

Tonight for the second time in a row, I had the privilege of tucking my Mom into bed. We tuck her feet

into the quilt that lays at the bottom of her bed, she lays on her side and I cover her with a warm fuzzy blanket.  I lean down, hug her tight, try to hold back the tears that are always so close to the surface, whisper in her ear to sleep well and tell her how much I love her, then kiss her cheek and forehead.  With the flip of a switch her bedroom is dark, and I slip out. All the way home I pray for angels to be with her, to protect her if she gets out of bed. I plead for her pain to be eased. I petition for a Christmas miracle that she'll gain her strength and be able to enjoy the family events this weekend we are all looking forward to. And I ponder the purpose behind Mom being asked to endure so much pain, Why after a life of being aquatinted with constant physical pain and ailments is she being asked to suffer so much more. And then I hear my Mom's voice on the phone, "You can endure anything when you know its temporary."

In one quick moment I pray it's temporary for her. And I think of the words in this song, that have echoed in my heart for months now,

The Robe

(Jenny Phillips/Tyler Castleton)

Faithful women reached through the crowd
And her hands gently touched Your robe
And You through Your grace made her whole
And now my broken body is fading fast
And like her I’m searching through the crowds
Desperate to find You somehow

And I’m reaching for that robe
I know that You can make me whole
But if its not meant to be that way
If I can’t stay
Then just wrap me in that robe and hold me when I go

If You call me home to You
Please help those who love me understand
We are still held together by Your hands

I’m reaching for that robe
I know that You can make me whole
But maybe in a different way
If I can’t stay
Then just wrap me in that robe, and hold me when I go

Hold her when she goes
Hold her when she goes

Right now we take turns wraaping Mom up in our arms and holding her; enduring this temporary painful time together. I am grateful to know that her suffering is temporary. Grateful to know that one day she will be dancing and singing and teaching pain free on the other side of the vail. And most grateful to know that we are and always will be held together by His hands.  When the time comes, our physical separation is only temporary, and I can endure anything when I know it's temporary. What keeps me going is knowing that she is being wrapped in our Savior's Robe constantly.

Update on Mom: If you've read this far, you can probably tell that this week has not been a good one. Monday afternoon Mom's pain skyrocketed.  She describes it as an internal pain around her rib cage. She feels it is different than a pulled muscle that she experience a few months ago. We do know there are spots of cancer in her bones of her rib cage. I would love if this was just a pulled muscle because that means the pain will subside...  Mom is on a heavy dose of pain meds all the time right now to try to get the pain under control and managed. This means Mom is not always fully with us  and isn't able to get around on her own. We ask that you join with us in prayer for her pain to was up a bit. Send your positive thoughts and blessings her way if you have some to spare!

Bed Time Stories

From the time I can remember my Mom read to us at night.  Dad worked nights, so she'd get us all ready for bed and in our rooms, hoping we'd go to sleep. She'd sit in the hallway; our bedroom doors open and bring to life the tales of....The Little House on the Prairie, Indian in the Cupboard, Frog and Toad, The Sideway Stories from Wayside School, Ramona the Pest, Mouse and the Motor Cycle

To be honest I couldn't recite to you the list of books, or the general story line of most of those books.  I fall asleep REALLY easily and I was young.  What I do remember is listening to my Mom's voice as I fell asleep and that my Mom faithfully spent the time to read to us.

To say reading was important in our home would be an understatement. We had a great library of books.  Reading is how we expand our minds and imaginations. My Dad was constantly reading; Louis L'Amour books being his favorite. Mom is still constantly reading; murder mysteries being her favorite. She is also constantly reading books that expand her knowledge about the gospel. Plus I'm  sure I inherited her love of non-fiction, self improvement books. In fact the other night my mom handed me her small kindle and listed a bunch of books on there she thought I'd really like and would help me right now.

Pretty much every night my little niece runs into Grandma's room, grabs a book and climbs up on the bed asking for a bedtime story. Grandma is always up for a bedtime story.  It's one of the cutest things ever. I grieve over the fact that that my kids won't ever get to hear my Mom read bedtime stories.


Just the other night, before I left my Mom's house, she read me a bedtime story.  It was a story about Noah, God's love and a cradle in the form of an Ark. It's a story of God's heart breaking for us, and his tears flooding the earth. It's a story of God's arms wide open in His uncontainable, unending, unconditional, unbeatable, unfailing, unwrappable love.

"God sees our tears now. And the hurt flooding our world right now. And He offers everyone the greatest gift- a rescue, a wooden cradle, a wooden cross- and He whispers, "Come to Jesus." Noah and his family were saved by the ark. You and the whole family on this earth are saved by Jesus alone

Some horrible, awful, miserable, very bad days, you may look around and say, "If there is a God who really cares, He'd look at our world and His heart would break.

And God looks to Jesus, who went to the cross, that real tree, and says, "Look- My heart did break."

So when those floods of bad things happen, if you lean toward Jesus- if you incline toward Jesus, if you rest in Jesus- you get the Gift of Jesus, like an ark of love, holding you, carrying you, raising you gently up through any flood of sadness that fills the world."

As always, Mom with every word, every moment, every deed points me to the One who can heal and comfort me and you.

Update on Mom: For the past little while we have been draining Mom's lung twice a week. However, that has changed. We are now draining somewhere between 300 and 400 ml every two days.  That's a big increase.  The pain from this fluid build up is heightened by the lymphedema Mom experiences from her mastectomy back in 2008.  Thankfully she does receive some relief right after the drain occurs.  Mom is more tired these days too.